8 Things Not to Say to a Trauma Survivor – And What to Say Instead
Jul 14, 2022
Checklist of Unhelpful Phrases for Trauma Survivors – And What to Say Instead
Author: Athena Phillips, LCSW
Many of the knee-jerk responses we have when we see someone in pain is try to offer a simple solution to a complex problem. The phrases below are examples of common phrases people use in effort to help someone feel better in the moment, but they may be more helpful to the person say the words than to the person hearing them. The best thing you can do is allow your loved one to feel what they feel in the moment and listen.
- “It’s Okay” or “It will be okay.”
What to say instead: “How are you doing with what happened?” And be prepared to listen to the response without trying to change the fact that your loved one is upset. Being upset in response to something upsetting is appropriate.
2. You just need to push through it.
What to say instead: “I am here to support you in whatever way you need me to.” And be prepared to offer support in whatever way they ask for. The could mean by watching a movie, helping with the dishes, or listening. Make sure you check in on yourself, too! If your loved one needs support in a way that you are not able to provide, it’s okay to let them know that and see if they will allow you to help them get their needs met.
- Just forget about it.
What to say instead: “It seems like you are really struggling. I can completely understand why. You really went through something big!”
If we could all forget what we didn’t want to remember, we likely would. Remembering is not a choice.
- It can’t be that bad, right?
What to say instead: “That sounds awful.”
Remember, just because something is unbelievable doesn’t mean it is untrue. People have experienced and survived incredible things. Honoring the significance of something that happened through the eyes of the other person is a compassionate way to honor what they have gone through.
- Don’t be a victim
What to say instead: “I admire your strength. This can’t be easy for you.”
Perhaps ask yourself how this statement would be helpful to a person who is struggling. The statement itself implies that suffering is a choice that the person is making or that experiencing pain in response to a painful experience is a sign of weakness. Distress in response to trauma is a sign of health.
- You should/you need to/you have to try x, y or z.
What to say instead: “I am here to help. If you need to connect you to a neutral party who can listen or if you just need to talk, let me know.”
Your enthusiasm for problem-solving is appreciated! However, solutions generally work best when they are either generated by the person or when the person makes specific a request. Also, different solutions work for different people. Because something worked for you does not mean it will work for everyone. We are all unique (including you!).
- I feel sorry for you.
What to say instead: “I am so sorry that this happened to you. I’m here for you.”
Ouch. This one can sting! A good rule of thumb about humans is that even when they are struggling, they don’t like to be pitied. Pity and compassion are different things, where pity happens within a hierarchy and compassion occurs out of equal footing, dignity and respect. Compassion is about seeing the person you are looking at and understanding their experience through their eyes.
- I know what you are going through. I had a really similar experience when….
What to say instead: “Feel free to talk and share your experience. I am here for you and am happy to listen.”
Every traumatic experience produces a response that is unique to that person. We could all experience the same event and walk away with different interpretations and responses to it. Trauma is no different. Allowing loved ones to share their particular response to what happened highlights what makes them who they are. Allowing them to tell their story without interjecting yours leaves room for them to make meaning of their experience.
- I’m sure they didn’t mean to cause you harm.
What to say instead: “It sounds like that was a terrible experience for you.”
Generally, if you can reflect what you see in someone, they feel better. The thing about the right response is that it is usually the simplest. Listen, reflect what you see, ask clarifying questions, or just be comfortable being with others when they are uncomfortable.
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